Before I went away to college, I heard stories about women meeting their future husband’s in their math class or freshman seminar during their first few weeks at school. The man of their dreams just so happened to sit down next to them and sweep them off their feet, and for them, that was it. No more meeting other guys, being stood up, or having to sit through a bad date; just holding hands while walking to class, going home early to have sex because you can, and always having someone to hold your hair back after a bad night out.
Because of this, I originally believed that all college guys were mature and smart and cared more about what you thought about the War in Iraq than if you gained the freshmen fifteen. But as it turned out, I was wrong. Those kinds of guys are out there (I think), I just haven’t met them yet. Here is a list of five different types of guys you will meet at college.
The Guy You Know From Home
The first guy that you will inevitably gravitate towards during those crucial first few weeks at college will be the guy you know from home. He is the one that you “kind of dated” in high school. “Kind of dated“ in high school meaning that you dry-humped at your best friend‘s open house party while in a Bacardi Razz haze. When you both get into the same college, you are ecstatic and sure that you will have all the same friends. Although, you have yet to realize that getting involved with someone you knew from high school while in college is very bad idea.
And here’s why: You can’t get involved with one of his friends, because you two have been talking again. The guy from home unintentionally sabotages future relationships with anyone you both happen to know. The last thing you want to hear is that his roommate doesn’t want to come “cuddle” in your dorm room after hours. “No, it’s not that I don’t like you, because I do, it’s just that you and Mike sort of have that thing going on and he’s my boy.“ Hey thanks a lot, Mike, you ass. Unless you start dating seriously, the guy from home will just end up ruining every chance you thought you had with that guy from his dorm. His uncanny ability to claim ownership over you results in one destroyed relationship after another.
The Frat Guy
While the boy from home still has that last hint innocence left, the next guy you will meet lost it the moment he wandered onto frat row. Beer-guzzling, boob grabbing, hazing pledges, and drinking more than anyone else are his favorite hobbies. If you see him on campus, he’s the guy with a cut-off Greek Week T-shirt nursing a Gatorade on the way to class to sober him up from the night before. When you walk into a frat house with the frat guy, the first thing that you can see, smell, and touch is beer. Natural Light, Milwaukee’s Best, and the occasional Bud Light seem to be in abundance everywhere you look; and since you know a boy in a frat you can get one with nothing more than a smile and a low cut shirt.
Now the amount of beer is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is almost impossible to meet a decent frat guy to start something with due to the amount of alcohol he probably has flowing through his body. (Or for that matter, the amount of alcohol you have flowing through your own body) The frat guy cares more about getting into your new Hudson jeans than he does about your dreams and whether or not you have read Brave New World. He is the guy who you meet outside on the street at three in the morning, who then asks you to come back to his house because he has a bottle of SoCo and a lock on his door. Before you make a decision to join him or not, you need to know one thing about frat guys: they can always get a girl and you are not their only girl.
No matter how ugly and out of style that snap button Abercrombie shirt he has on, or how bad his new hair cut is, there will always be a new pledge in the slutty sorority who wants to sleep with him because of his Greek affiliation. Considering the number of people packed into the house, the amount of alcohol present, the loud music playing, and the hundreds of half-naked girls, testosterone flows almost as generously as Natty Light.
The Clinger
While guys you meet at a fraternity usually have the mindset of “hit it and quit it” there are college guys out there who are the exact opposite. I’m talking about clingers. This is the guy that you meet at your orientation who you decided to exchange numbers with because he seemed nice. (And apparently normal at the time) Bad idea. He thinks that you are playing hard to get when you tell him you really don’t want a relationship right now for the tenth time. This is the guy who really just never seems to get the point. The clinger’s noble efforts to get you to hang out every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night are somewhat admirable the first three times but after that it turns ugly.
Annoying turns into creepy when you “coincidentally” run into him at the library, when oddly enough your Facebook status states that you are there studying for a huge sociology exam. Eventually (although some clingers may be more perseverant) the guy will stop calling and leaving voicemails asking if you got his sixteen text messages last night about possibly hanging out. (Yes, you got them, and yes, you made fun of him) Although the clinger’s determination and obvious attraction are somewhat flattering, after about 24 hours his once noble efforts turn pathetic.
The Guy Who Still Lives Inside a Fantasy World
While you notice the clinger’s creepiness from the get-go, this type of guy’s inner freak doesn’t surface immediately. You meet him at an apartment; you talk for a bit and eventually exchange numbers. He calls you the next weekend and wants to hang out, so you decide to meet up at an apartment party. As you apply your eyeliner and lip gloss for the night ahead of you, you think this guy might actually be date-able. The one that isn’t like the rest of the beer-guzzling, bed-hopping guys you have met so far. He is like finding those perfect on-sale black peep-toe pumps at TJ Maxx when everything else on the shelves is straight out of Dollar General.
Once you meet up, everything starts off completely normal; you meet each others friends, have a beer, and pretty good conversation. So, when he asks if you want to hang out and watch a movie just the two of you, without hesitation your answer is yes. When you get to his dorm though, something is off. His walls are not covered with naked girls holding cans of Miller Lite, they are covered in Dragon Ball-Z and Anime posters instead. Now you can remember him mentioning something about Japanese animation but you thought that he was joking. (Guys in college don’t really still watch this shit do they?) Next to his bed is a box filled with old Pokemon and baseball cards that he swears are collector’s items. (Yeah and I bought that fake Louis Vuitton bag because I thought it looked better than the original) Deciding to give him the benefit of the doubt, you see what movie he picked out to watch, hoping it will be something appealing to the both of you. So, what movie does he choose? Star Wars (which you should have guessed judging by his room), and not just the standard Star Wars, but the three-disc Special Edition DVD signed by George Lucas that he waited three hours in line for.
This is the time when three questions pop into your head: Did I really think this guy was normal? How deceiving was his facebook? And, how many shots of vodka did I consume before talking to him the first time? Suddenly claiming that you have cramps is the best no questions asked get out method that I have discovered so far. After leaving his dorm room, which could even be described as the twilight zone, you re-assign his name in your phone to “Do Not Answer” so you know to never talk to this guy again.
The Guy Who’s Hung Up on His Ex
I know that you probably think it can’t get any worse than Star Wars and Japanese animation, but believe me, it can. The next type of guy is one of the hardest to deal with because his problems have absolutely nothing to do with you. He is the guy who still, after two years, is madly in love with his ex-girlfriend. At first, you take his eagerness to bare his soul and deepest secrets charming and sensitive; but soon you realize you have been having a conversation with this guy for an hour and you have barely said two words about yourself. He is like your seven-year-old niece who needs to be consoled after she looses her favorite Barbie. He talks about his ex like they had been together for the greater part of each other’s lives, when in reality they dated for four months. He still cries every time someone mentions watching Forrest Gump.
This guy is way too damaged to actually have a serious conversation, let alone a relationship with you, and it seems like he plans on doing nothing about it. Every conversation you have winds up with him talking about how much she hurt him or how she was the “love of his life”. He is damaged to the point he can not be fixed, even if you are wearing your new black dress and ankle boots.
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