Lindsay Lohan Was Only Drinking Shirley Temples. Of Course!Awesome Pics Inside!!!

With Lindsay Lohan surprisingly having the benefit of the doubt regarding her allegedly returning to her sober house drunk and assaulting a Betty Ford staffer, leave it to Team Lohan (Read: Dina and Michael who are clearly the sources here.) to not be able to keep their mouth shut and simply ride this thing out. Here’s their latest bullshit excuse claiming Lindsay was innocently drinking Shirley Temples because she’s eight now. TMZ reports:

Sources close to LiLo say the only thing she was downing the night in question were Shirley Temples.

We’re told Linday met up with a friend at the Viceroy Hotel in Palm Springs, CA on December 11 to have her hair done. While there, our sources say Lindsay knocked back the non-alcoholic mixed drink … along with an order of equally non-toxic french fries.

First off, the only people who order Shirley Temples are little kids trying to make waiters kill themselves. FACT. Second, with parents like this, how the hell is this chick not dead yet? I might talk a lot of shit about my folks being super-religious, but at least I know – much like a lot of you probably do – that if I ever pulled a stunt like this they’d go, “Oh, yeah, that jackass was drunk,” then make sure I got the help I needed instead of trying to jam me through rehab as soon as possible to leech off my nuts. (Or fire-flaps in this case.) It’s literally a miracle Lindsay doesn’t wake up one morning to Michael tossing her over the wall of Betty Ford because he’s behind on child support again. “Daddy needs you to drive into a daycare while I take photos, sweetheart. I promise I’ll take you for ice- Shit, I forgot your purse. — Your mother will take us for ice cream.”